So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
