I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I checked into jail on foursquare
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
