I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
