I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
