Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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