I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
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I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
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Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
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