the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Randomize
