The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
