Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
