My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
