it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
