I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
