My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
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take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
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I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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