I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
