Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
