batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We were destined to go to rehab together
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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