Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
