i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
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he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
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I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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