I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
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We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
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his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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