I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
