You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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