I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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