I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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