I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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