I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
