Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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