You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
