When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize