Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
