The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
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