the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
my liver is dry heaving
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
