one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
