I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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