I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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