I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
sarcasm needs its own font
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
