You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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