ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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