HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
now i know why i became what i already was.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
