I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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