Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
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Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
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Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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