I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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