I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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