I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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