I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
