I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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