i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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