When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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