piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
