I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
