so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
