I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Houston, we have a blender
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
