A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Sorry about my life...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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