Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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