we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
